Security

Last night when I went to bed, I scoured my room and grabbed any stuffed animal I found. I am a fan of stuffed animals but sadly a few of them are in storage for the summer so the only ones I found were "Disney" the bear (who came from Disney world), "Rob" the kangaroo (who is a girl, oddly enough) and dear Sammy the skunk (who looks more like a bear than a skunk). It was just one of those nights where I wanted to just hug "someone", as of course the stuffed animals are, and make everything go away.......as they used to. I lay in bed thinking of the security of life as a child. I could see myself at 7 years old. My father would get me cups of water in my yellow Minnie mouse cup. He would tell me a story. He would pray with me. And then "I love you Ladybug. Good night." And I would go to sleep with a Raggedy Ann or animal under my arm. In the early mornings I would be stirred by my father's kiss before he went to work. Every evening and night were completely dependable: "I love you Ladybug. Good night" and the gentle kiss on my head that would stir my sleep.

However it is not the same anymore. The animals under my arm did not make everything go away. And I woke up as I went to sleep: alone. My father still kisses my head, but the times have become few and far between. I have been feeling very lonely the past few days. This has been compounded by a distinct lack of security which goes beyond simply my friends leaving for the summer. It's been difficult and nothing like I have felt before. It unnerves me. And I'm not quite sure what to do. After all, I'll be home in 3 weeks. I could do nothing about it and have a very stinky time for the rest of my class and then go home to my parents and cats and continue with my summer at camp with my friends.

But something else has been bothering me. I am holding on to these feelings almost as if I enjoy them. I do not enjoy them; then why don't I give them up? How do I do that? "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden. And I will give you rest." I have been resisting giving this up to Jesus. Somewhere in me I have an innate stubbornness and self-sufficiency which makes me want to handle things on my own. "I can deal with things. I am strong." But where has that come from? If I want to fool myself I could say "From me of course." But if I am honest, I have to look at myself and say "You are weak. You need help." Any strength I have of my own is from God. I freaked out yesterday like I had not in a long, long time. I panicked and felt out of control. I cannot handle this on my own. And yet I am so resistant to give it up. Perhaps it is my pride...It probably is my pride. I want to be in control. But again, if I am honest, I have to realize I am not in control and never am. Anything that catches us off guard, or that we do not expect reminds us that we are not in control at all.

I know what I need to do. I have to. "Give it up Lorrie, let Him take it." I wish sometimes He would force me. But of course Jesus is not like that.

When I was little, it seemed I could transfer my emotions to my animals. If I squeezed hard enough, life would become better. Jesus wants me to transfer my hurt to Him. Then He can replace it with His joy. Why wouldn't I want that?

This has been slightly cryptic but it accurately portrays me right now. I am still at SAU- for the first summer session. I had to move back to the dorm and everyone I am close to have left. And beyond that, things have just been hard. But God is faithful, this I do know. He wants to hold me in His arms. I just wish it were as simple as those who came up to Jesus and touched Him when He was here. Why does it seem so much harder? Maybe it isn't...