My Home Birth Experience

Soon after finding out we were pregnant, I knew I wanted the natural birth experience. I've never been one for doctors and I knew that, being healthy and young, I should be just fine. Early on, we had an appointment with a midwife and greatly enjoyed meeting with her.  The personal one-on-one time just confirmed my decision to go this direction. We moved when I was four months pregnant and settled in to a new state. Amazingly enough, we discovered that the midwife who I had been emailing to get to know went to one of our churches in the area! I had what I would consider a dream pregnancy- no sickness at all; no issues at all. So as the weeks went by, I fully expected the baby to come with no complications. We decided on a home-birth; purchased supplies, had a baby shower, and eagerly looked forward to the birth of our little girl. The only concern we had was that it seemed that our baby was tending to go posterior. So in light of that, I was doing exercises and different things to encourage the baby to turn but I was not terribly concerned.

The day I turned 39 weeks pregnant, I felt contractions for the first time. I had been feeling achy and heavy all day. We were out of town for the day so I was relieved when we headed home. That night, a Saturday night, I did not sleep well. The contractions were sporadic and seemed centered on my back. The next day, I called Linda, our midwife. When she learned how much my back hurt, she told me to call a chiropractor friend of hers the next day. She encouraged me to keep going in my day and try to ignore the sporadic contractions. Sunday night the contractions stayed about 10 minutes apart. I did not sleep well again. Monday I went and saw the chiropractor and continued sporadic contractions. That night was another restless night. Tuesday morning Linda came over to check me and discovered I was 3-4 centimeters dilated and quite stretchy. The baby had dropped but her head was not engaged on the cervix quite the way it should be. I was clearly in the early stages of labor, though. Linda sent me back once more to the chiropractor in the mid-afternoon. By this point the contractions were about 5 minutes apart and I was feeling very uncomfortable. 

When we got back home, I was wondering if Linda should come back. We called back and forth several times and then around 5pm decided it was time. When she arrived just before 6pm, she checked me and I was 5-6 centimeters but again, the baby was not fully on the cervix the way she should be; she was posterior, or at least largely posterior. For the next several hours, Linda put me in different positions which would encourage the baby to turn over. I was backwards on the toilet. I was lying on the bed in a certain position. I went on a couple walks. Throughout the time, anything that put pressure on my back was extremely painful. At one point I threw up. During those hours Tuesday evening and night, my contractions were not maintaining consistency. They would be 2 minutes apart, 6 minutes apart, 5 minutes apart etc. Apparently this was a result of the baby not being engaged in the proper way. Late Tuesday night, I was 8 centimeters dilated. I was progressing, just very slowly. We filled the birthing tub and I spent much of early Wednesday morning laboring in the tub. Linda, bless her heart, slept on the floor or the couch for parts of the night. 

Throughout this entire time my husband Charles was by my side, encouraging me and keeping me hydrated and nibbling on food here and there. Wednesday morning found me fully dilated. I was thrilled with the prospect that maybe an end was in sight. After all, it had been over 18 hours of labor at that point.

I will interject here and say that amazingly, I was not exhausted. I had been drinking and eating here and there throughout the entire time. I was very much in the moment, not thinking too much. God was very good.

Around 8am I started to have an urge to push. Around 10am Linda checked me again and we decided to break my water. I labored on a birthing stool for a bit. This was not my favorite as it put pressure on my back, which still particularly hurt. However, the birthing stool was much preferred to being on my back which we tried but I just could not stand it.

After breaking my water, the urge to push came often and intensely. I had no control over the urge and found myself very vocal. I pushed in the bathroom and then was back in the tub. I pushed and pushed.

It was around 1pm that I had my moment of discouragement. I had been pushing for hours. I did not seem to be progressing. The urge to push was overwhelming. I did not want to go to the hospital but at the moment it seemed I would have to and I figured I would probably have a c-section.

Charlie had been praying all along but here he pleaded with the Lord and put a fleece out- that if I had made progress by 2pm, it would be a sign that we would complete the birth here at home. If not, we would have to go to the hospital.

Linda had been momentarily out of the room and when she came back in, I expressed my discouragement. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this.” “Ok, let’s see if you have made progress. If you are making progress, we can stay home.” I got out of the tub and on to the birthing stool where she could check me. Lo and behold, yes I was making progress, just very slowly. It was at this point that Linda directly started coaching me. I pushed and pushed, basically screaming while Linda and Charles encouraged me. After that I did go on the floor on my back and pushed for a bit. The baby was finally coming down. After that, Linda was encouraging me to push in the bathroom for a bit. I turned to head that direction but another urge came and I stopped and squatted where I was. This was a very effective position. It hurt my legs so I alternated between squatting, standing for a moment and half-squatting/lunging leaning against either Charles, the side of the bed or the crib. It was here that for me the tide turned and I knew that the baby truly was coming out. I heard Charlie’s excitement of “You’re almost there. I see her head. It’s almost over, honey. O wow, here she comes.” I heard Linda’s encouragement but I couldn't respond to either. It was in the moment- tremendous intensity- feeling myself stretch which felt to the enth-degree. Knowing somehow it was almost over yet completely overwhelmed.

And then, she was here! I looked down to see a squirming baby being placed in my arms. I sat on the floor, holding her as Linda wiped her down. I don’t even know what I was saying but it was the most real moment of my life. I had brought forth this child. What they say is true, it is all worth it. The complete contrast from intense pain and agony to complete joy is a moment that I will never forget. Who cares if it had taken over a day for her to come! She came. And she was perfect. Our Lilliana was here!

Looking back on the experience, I am so grateful we chose to have a home birth. I am convinced that if we had headed to the hospital when labor was starting, I would have ended up with a c-section. I would have been hooked to monitors, in bed, on my back which would have killed me. At home I was able  to move around, be in all sorts of positions, keep my energy up by eating and drinking, labor in a warm tub….yes it was slow, yes it was difficult but never once was I exhausted and except for that one moment, I was not discouraged.

The most important factor, I believe, was prayer. Both Charles and Linda were praying throughout the entire experience, pleading to the Lord to help the baby come and to sustain my strength and courage. He did just that!  

We figure I was in active labor for around 25 hours. I pushed for around 7 hours. Amazingly, when Lilliana came out, she had actually turned to the proper way! Somewhere in there she did turn - our little miracle.

This was definitely the most difficult thing I have ever done. But the Bible verse is true, “Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.” God brought me through and I have this precious memory and knowledge of how God can sustain and bring me through such a difficult trial.

We are incredibly grateful to our midwife, Linda. She knew what she was doing; we absolutely trusted her. She was our hero! Her calmness and compassion touched our hearts. Her direction brought forth our baby.

I also could not have done this without my husband being at my side, encouraging, supporting, feeding and comforting me. We are closer as a result of this experience and as we have entered this new phase of life together, we will always have this bond of bringing Lilliana in to the world together.

“ A woman, when she is in labor, has sorrow because her hour has come; but as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.”   ~ John 16:21~

Lilliana Mae Rietman

Born: July 16, 2014, 3:42pm

6 lb. 13 oz, 20 in. long

On Marriage

I have been wanting to write a post on marriage yet it is hard to gather all my thoughts. So to preface this: these are my thoughts. I am not an authority as we have been married -hard to believe- about 11 months. But in this past year I have come to realize many things about marriage and desire to share what I have learned; in the hope that perhaps it may bless someone.

We all have expectations when we are getting married or are looking forward to marriage in the future. Expectations are not always bad but they are so often unrealistic. The world we live in pushes upon little girls from the age of 2 to expect a fairy tale. We often feel entitled to a certain experience.

I remember not long after we got married, Charlie and I both turned to a each other and said, "I thought this would be easier!" We weren't expressing regret or disappointment but the honest thought that we would somehow simply mesh and everything be smooth. But it was not always easy.  We would argue over the most stupid things.  We realized how incredibly selfish we are!

A friend of ours gave us a book for a wedding present (which I highly recommend: "For Better or For Best" by Tim and Alane Waters). It's a very good book for any couple, young or old. But the line that burned in to my memory was this: "Becoming one does not mean losing your identity, it means losing your selfishness." When we got married Charlie and I committed to each other. We said, "I will love you no matter what." That means: when you do things I do not like. When you hold opinions that I may not agree with. When I do not understand what on earth you are talking about. When you get held up for an hour. When life does not happen the way I would want it to!! We committed that in the midst of any conflict, the love we have for each other will not change- it is a constant. It does not depend on each others performance. It does not depend on the circumstances. That is a marriage vow. We committed to being unselfish.

(Note: obviously you don't commit this lightly. Single people, take heed. Know who you are marrying.)

And you know, I see how marriages break up- because we are naturally selfish.  Because we don't understand what commitment is. Because I want what I want rather than what is better for our marriage or the other person. It is not easy. In fact, it seems to be it is impossible without the Lord. Even couples who do have a great marriage and don't seem to have a faith profession, it is still because of the grace of God.

This is why we as Christians need to be committed to God first and marry solid believers. The greatest comfort I have is this: when things are not going great, I know without a shadow of a doubt that my husband is praying for me, our marriage and for understanding. And I am as well. And the Lord who we are both praying to, will bring us to unity. He will soften our hearts. He will help us to be humble. Because the fact is, we cannot handle our stubborn pride with out Him. It would be our ruin. I cannot imagine marriage without the Lord in it.

Intimacy is not just a physical expression. In fact, you can be physical without being intimate. Intimacy is an intentional opening of your heart and receiving an other's heart. Intimacy cannot be achieved where there is not respect, where there is not affection and where there is not vulnerability. Intimacy also cannot be achieved if a person is intentionally holding back his thoughts or feelings.  And if I am thinking I am better than Charlie or if my opinion holds more weight than his, intimacy is impossible. To truly love, is to be emptied of self. It is a high calling. It is an incredible thought.

"Love is patient, love is kind...," the Bible says. Those beautiful qualities found in 1 Corinthians 13 are the recipe for a monumental marriage; it is a relationship that would radiate. We have all seen couples who have a particularly sweet marriage. There is gentleness in their words to each other. There is a tender affection expressed. There is that smile for each other that makes the onlooker turn away as if they are seeing a private moment. That is a godly marriage. It has been blessed by the spirit of God in the hearts of the couple. That is the marriage I want.

Charlie and I certainly have not arrived but I have a hope because I can see how we have grown already. That as long as we keep apologizing; that as long as we stay humble; that as long as we intentionally set aside quality time; that as long as we can laugh at ourselves, God can keep working. He can make us patient, kind, and gentle. He can make us into a shining witness of His grace! That is my desire!

Now don't get me wrong- Marriage is a challenge but it is also a joy! It is not always difficult, in fact, sometimes it is very easy! We have made some wonderful memories this past year! We have shared some special times. Marriage is great!! Always having a friend. Always a partner. Always a shoulder. Always sharing memories. Always someone to spoil. Always a listening ear. Always having a home. Always someone there....as long as we both shall live.

Brides and Grooms

Weddings have been on my mind very frequently lately, as you can expect! Constantly my thoughts are on preparations, plans, concerns, and details. My appearance for "the day", our home, money, so much to consider!!! So when I realize that I have to share a story/thought in church tomorrow I decided to look up "brides" in the a commentary of the Bible. Amongst other verses two verses in Isaiah jumped out at me...

"I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness. As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." Isaiah 61:10.

"And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you." Isaiah 62:5.

Before a wedding it is all about preparation. And the day of, time is spent to prepare oneself personally. The woman has a beautiful gown. Her hair is just so. She wants to look more beautiful than she ever has for her groom. The same is for the groom. He wants to look desirable for his bride. I somewhat feel sorry for grooms as so much hype seems to go toward the bride. However at the end of the day, the beautiful bride leaves with the groom. She is his bride. He waits at the end of the aisle for his bride to be ready. She walks down the aisle to him. They are for each other.

What beautiful imagery it is! And a powerful representation of Christ and His church. The church is referred to as the bride of Christ, dressed in pure white in Revelation 12. Jesus wants to come take His bride home.

"In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also." John 14:2-3.

Just like a groom preparing for His bride to come home with him, so is Christ. He wants to receive us to Him. 1 Thessalonians 4 describes Jesus coming in the clouds for His people. We will be caught up to Him in the clouds where He will be waiting for us.. "And thus we shall always be with the Lord." ( 1 Thess. 4:17) Isn't that the whole point of a wedding? To be with each other. I just want my home to be with Charlie. I don't want to be parted from him.

And it is the same with Jesus. He wants to be with His bride. He wants to rejoice over us! And He is coming for His bride! Are we ready? Are we preparing? Am I just as serious about Christ as I am about being ready for June 5th? Jesus is coming. Look around us! The world is going crazy and He said it would before He came. (Matthew 24) Our hope and security must come from Him and the hope in His coming. Just as a bride's desire is to be with her husband so we must have our highest desire to be with Jesus so we can be ready for when He comes.

Of Moles and Freckles

This past week I went to the dermatologist to have some moles looked at. This was a unique experience for several reasons. But what stands out is that I learned something and that always makes me excited! I learned that my freckles are not freckles at all. What I thought were freckles are actually moles. All the dots I have on my face, my arms etc are moles! In some ways that seems gross because my perception of moles has been somewhat negative. Maybe everyone knows this and I am just behind the times.

Now until this last Monday I have referred to the dots on my arms and face as freckles. Someone could say I have been lying to people! I have been misrepresenting the truth. But I don't think anyone would condemn me because I simply didn't know.

Acts 17:30 say that in "the times of this ignorance, God winks."I am not condemned for my misrepresenting moles.

However if I were to continue to tell people I have freckles, that would be wrong! I would be deceiving people as to the true nature of moles and freckles.

This is a rather trivial example but it holds true in the more serious aspects of our lives. We are not condemned for our sins that we do in our ignorance. God is just and fair. However when God's will is made clear to us, He expects us to act and choose His truth. It's like a child who suddenly learns that certain words should not be spoken. The first time the child simply does not know the meaning. But for a child who knows better, he will be held accountable for what he says and his parents will discipline him if he disobeys.

Jesus says in John 12: 35, "Walk while you have the light, lest darkness overtake you; he who walks in darkness does not know where he is going."

God reveals truth to us and just like it would be silly for me to disregard what I have learned about my skin, it is foolish for us to disregard what God reveals to us in His word. Let us be wise in the small things in this life as well as that which relates to eternity.

I'm Getting Married!

June 5, 2011

Ode to Muffin

O little fat cat of brown and white,

How I wish you brought me some delight!

If you would stop sitting in the corner to stare

And not hiss at my attempted pat with a glare!

Your name is Muffin, which should mean something sweet,

But having you, it seems to me, is far from a treat.

Muffin, you were a cute kitten indeed,

But something happened, did we not fulfill a need?

We fed, pet, and played with you till you would fall asleep,

But you soured as you grew up, and away from us you started to creep.

You don't seem to care as long as your food bowl is filled.

We're not your servants Muffin, you need to chill!

Muffin, I honestly wish we could be friends.

I wish this gap, we would reach across and mend.

You are a pretty cat and could be nice to hold and love.

Please stop being mean and be like your Creator above.

Stressful Changes

Life is stressful...can I get an "Amen"? The more aware of life that I get, I have come to that solid conclusion: Life is Stressful! It seems to me that at the foundation of this stressful life is one specific thing: change. (Now there may be other things we could point at but for the sake of this little writing, I am looking at change.) Now change is not always negative; it can certainly be for happy occasions: the birth of a baby, a wedding, a new and better job, a new car etc. But I do believe that everyone would agree that all those wonderful occasions bring stress. That new baby will cry an awful lot, a wedding takes a lot of hassle and planning, a new job has to be learned and that new car took a chunk from your savings account. We are also all familiar with negative changes: the death of a loved one, a divorce, being laid off, car accidents etc. Death often brings incredible loss, divorce brings heart break, there is desperation without a job and a car accident, even with minimal damage will undoubtedly cause great pains with insurance agencies. Change= stress. Outside of circumstances people often change. Children grow in each stage to face different issues that often drive their parents wild. Graduation to a new school brings excitement and fear. The lists can go on and on of the stress of all our particular stages and challenges of life no matter how exhilarating or upsetting.

Now, as a Christian I wish to pause now after having painted this picture of general despair. For after all, no matter what happens in life it seems that we are bound to be stressed, right? I wish to ask, who never changes? Of course we know the answer to that! "For I am the Lord, I do not change," Malachi 3:6 makes it very clear. But I want to ask, why is it that we have such dramatically differently attitudes toward God so often. One week we are praising Him! The next week we are sobbing, "God, how can you do this to me?" Is this because God changes His attitude toward us? Of course not. "I have loved you with an everlasting love..." God says to us (Jer. 31:3). We can know God's character and that is of love and goodwill. He does not change. If He does not change, then it must be us changing our attitude toward God. Do we really trust Him, His word to us and His love for us? O, how we need to trust God and turn to Him when we are in those negative changes. Who does not wish sympathy and love when they are stressed out? Who better to receive that from than the infinite loving Creator who knows us better than anyone else?

These thoughts have come to me as I have reflected on this past year. So much has changed in the past year and it seems that it shall be the same for 2011. It is stressful! I could choose to be distressed, worried and upset when I realize how unsettled I am. Or I can trust in my God who is my Rock and know He will see me through. That is my wish for you as well.

"On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand."

"Change and decay in all around I see; O Thou who changest not, abide with me."

Tiny as a Pin Hole

Recently as I was driving I had to slam on my breaks. I was making a left-hand turn and was awaiting a car to pass before I made my move. What I did not notice was the car speeding up behind the car I was watching. As the first car went through the intersection I was already turning, then spying the other car, I slammed on my breaks to avoid hitting it. With a swerve from him and jerking stop from me, we avoided collision. After that alarming moment I shakily continued and quickly noticed that my breaks were not what they used to be. I had to put my foot to the floor to stop. Now I am not a car buff and so it is very possible that my breaks had been going for some time, but with that slamming stop they were completely gone. With the help of my friend Ben who is a car buff, we were able to determine the problem. I had a leak in my break fluid line over my right rear tire and thus I had no pressure in my breaks. I asked him how big the leak was, "oh, probably the size of a pin hole." A pin hole! My whole car could have come to a crashing stop over a pin hole! The whole vehicle was rendered not functional because of a tiny, tiny hole. I could have crashed in to a car and disaster could have ensued all because of a leak the size of a pin hole!

Isn't that ironic? A tiny, tiny weakness in a car disables the entire thing. What a great spiritual analogy that is! In our lives we can be all set but if there is one specific sin that we refuse to surrender or deal with, it can corrupt our whole being. Just as if a physical part of our bodies is damaged or not working right and that hinders our whole body, so it is with our spiritual lives. If we want to be complete in Jesus, we need to be completely His.

James 4:7-8 says, "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you...." We must continually resist anything that comes between us and God. As we walk step by step in our Christian journeys closer to God, we will surely become entirely His.

Guard your heart

In Proverbs 4:23 the Bible says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." When I think of guarding, I think of the middle ages. I think of a treasure guarded in a stone castle with a moat surrounding and a thick wall. Something that is guarded is not readily available and not easily seen. It is protected and kept secure. We are to guard our hearts.

Why are we to guard our hearts? Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked..." Our hearts are fickle and easily swayed. We cannot trust them. That is why our hearts need to be guarded.

This is completely counter to our present society. In movies, books and television, we are constantly told to follow our hearts. Unfortunately when we do this, we do not encounter the happy endings we see in movies. We are left with baggage, single mothers and broken families. Following our hearts is not the reality media portrays. In contrast to following our hearts, the Bible cautions us to guard our hearts. Do not put them out there. Do not wear your heart on a sleeve. Guard it. Keep it secure. Song of Solomon 8:4 cautions "do not stir up nor awaken love" until it is time. When is it time? When the Lord says it is. We will only know if we are connected to Him. May God give us the courage to follow His way and not the world's.

http://codybateman.org/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/heartinhands.jpg

What is Death?

What is death?
Death is no answer. It is no solution.
Death offers nothing to satisfy. It is the epitome of separation.
Death, the opposite of life, the opposite of birth.
A birth offers hope and joy.
The first smile, the first laugh. The first step.
Death is the last. The last vacation. The last visit.
The last independent drive in a car. The last week. The last day.
Life in reverse is death. The loss of vigor. The loss of ability.
We gather to celebrate lives. The memories and accomplishments are recalled. We do not want to forget a thing of those we loved.
But as the years pass and the pain numbs, a granite stone is all that is left of many loved ones.
What is death?

"I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die,"John 11:25,26.

What blessed hope is this! Where would we be without Jesus? As unnatural as death is, Jesus experienced it, to conquer it. That though our loved ones may die, they in Christ shall live again. What will be forgotten will be remembered. Those who are parted will be together again. The joy and the firsts will one day be renewed. Praise the Lord!

In memory of my great Aunt June, a joy to know. I wish I knew her more. I praise the Lord for her life. I praise the Lord that we will see her again. That her life was full and blessed. And her passing was without prolonged suffering. Those who have known her have been blessed. May we all know the Lord that we may all meet together with her again.

Facing Fears

Within each of us are fears. Fears whether simple as spiders and mice; or complex, deep insecurities. These fears can shape our worlds and dictate our actions. Fear controls.

All through my growing up years I have feared snakes. I think, for most people, snakes are not favorite animals, but for whatever reason I have always greatly feared them. This was further enforced by my dear brother tormenting me with rubber snakes. I recall playing outside in the yard and finding a snake around some rocks. I ran away, scared. For years to come I would avoid those rocks, remembering that snake and never wanting to see it again. To this day I have an irrational fear of snakes and many times it can control me even in small ways.

As a child I was extremely shy. I was afraid of meeting people; afraid of embarressment; afraid of attention all directed upon myself. I recall a birthday party I was attending. I do not remember why but at one point everyone was laughing at me. I was hulmiliated and ran to the bathroom for what seemed like hours before I dared to come out. I was overly sensative and insecure. I was fearful. This shyness dictated what I did and did not dare to do, where I went and what activities I took part in. For the most part I was a happy child but at times I really struggled with myself for being so quiet and shy.

One day in high school a pastor of the school invited me to a leadership retreat. I was shocked that he would ask me! Me! Little shy Lorrie who quietly went on her way without making waves. In that moment and through that experience, the view which I held for myself changed forever. I was challenged to do things which I never thought I was literally capable of doing. I had to face my fear. I praise the Lord for putting people in my life, like that pastor, who caused me to reflect on what I am capable of doing with the Lord. I saw him yesterday and that brought this experience to mind.

2 Timothy 1: 7 says, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

Fear is not from the Lord. God would not have His children afraid.

Instead of fear we are to have power. Power is ability; ability to do that which will honor Him. We should not be fearful of failure in any venture which honors the Lord as He promises us the power to accomplish whatever He may ask of us.

Instead of fear, we are to have love. When one loves someone, no sacrifice is too great, no venture is too much. Love gives. A spirit of giving is what we are to have. When we fear we cling to what we have. With love, we willingly give up what we have.

Lastly, instead of fear we are to have a sound mind. Soundness is security and health. With fear we are insecure and our body is in an unhealthy state. Soundness is peace, contentment and satisfaction.

This verse still challenge me. We all have weaknesses and fear is one of mine. But I praise the Lord for experiences I can look back upon and remember how God blessed my steps of faith, though done in fear and trembling. I pray that I will never stop taking those steps in to unknown territory that I may rejoice in the Lord for ever new and fresh victories. That I may be powerful, loving, and of a sound mind.

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(http://victorianewage.com/images/Joyful-Girl.jpg)

I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud by William Wordsworth

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the milky way,

They stretched in never-ending line

Along the margin of a bay:

Ten thousand saw I at a glance,

Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they

Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:

A poet could not but be gay,

In such a jocund company:

I gazed---and gazed---but little thought

What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills,

And dances with the daffodils.

This is one of my favorite poems and it was brought to mind when gazing out my window upon the bunches of daffodills growing around campus. I love spring!

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Post-Valentine's Day Musings

I told Jackie that I would post a Valentine's day blog. However, I neglected to write that Valentine's day blog. I find myself this afternoon in quietness and solitude so I will try to type my thoughts about that auspicious day.

Valentine's day brings thoughts to me of teddy bears, roses, and chocolate. But what does that have to do with love? These things can be expressions of love for sure. But of themselves they are not love. A dozen roses can be an empty gesture without accompanying affection. Love is not in things.

When I was a child my mother would buy paper doilies. At a table of construction paper, glue, markers and glitter I would work hard to cut these doilies in to pretty designs and with the other supplies I would decorate large paper hearts. I would give these hearts to my parents and grandparents with written "I love you" and such messages on them. I am sure these glue-laden and often messy valentine's were treasures to my parents. In them was seen the earnest work and affection of their child.

As I have grown older and hopefully wiser, I can look back at "lost loves" and see the problem with those experiences. There was no earnest childish effort to show love. There was an earnest effort to gain love and warm feelings. As a child my only design when giving my glue-valentines was to show my parents I loved them. I didn't want them to do anything for me. It was a gift to them, nothing else. As I grew older I lost sight of that innocence. I wanted and expected love in return for myself. I would find myself empty, disappointed and broken

Love is a gift. It is meant to given. In every human heart is the capacity to love, to give of oneself. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails," 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a. Love is modest, simple, positive and steadfast. I am realizing that love is never about changing anyone else. It is not about what I gain. Love is not about the feelings received. Love is selfless. To sincerely say "I love you" with the deepest meaning is to mean that "I would do anything for you." Truly the greatest expression of love came with Jesus giving His life. Love is cheapened today down to the level of "I love doritos." Love is not understood at all. No wonder so many "I love you till death doest part" ends in divorce. The commitment of love is lost.

Love is commitment. A parent who loves their child is committed to their child no matter what that child does for as long as they live. Their loyalty to their child will not end. True love means a lasting commitment for the good of a person.

The depth of love is endless. The facets of love surely knows no bounds. Two loving people in a marriage relationship seems like the most beautiful picture ever - selflessly loving and being selflessly loved in return.

And yet, to truly love seems to also truly know sorrow. Inevitably, you will not always be loved in return. The child will disappoint. The spouse will hurt. The friend will not care in return. Jesus is the only human being to truly love and he is called "a man of sorrows," (Isaiah 53:3). His earthly life was filled with being misunderstood and rejection. But He loved with a depth and passion that we little understand. (But we should seek to understand)

I have no conclusions on love but that I want to love more. Should the Lord will, I want to love my husband selflessly and sacrificially. I want to be dedicated and loyal to my friends and family. And I want to know the Lord more that I may grow in to His character. I want to return to the attitude of myself as a child laboring over the glue and glitter to create a treasure to present to my father to say, "Look Dad at how much I love you!" I want my life to show those around me, "Look! I love you!" and above all I want to show my Heavenly Father, "Look, my life shows I love You!"

I enjoy hearts and roses just as much as anyone. I think it is wonderful that there is a day every February 14th where the focus is on relationships and showing others how much you care. I just pray that in all the obligation and shows of affection given, that true love may be sprinkled amongst them. That God may be revealed in our hearts all year long.



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Winners

I enjoy the Olympics. I especially like figure skating and have been watching what I can when I am not working. During that time I have also seen some bits of snowboarding, luge and skiing. It's fun to watch these sports that usually I am not interested in. The Olympics are so intense. With most of these sports if a blade slips, if your balance is slightly off, if you are distracted for just a moment, your dreams are sunk. You fall, go out of control or otherwise mess up. In most of these sports, months of practice, years of hard work, can be seemingly ruined by just a split second of time. You mess up and there goes the gold. There goes the notoriety. There goes success. It seems like so much pressure! In the grand scheme, there are few winners at the Olympics. Most of the participants go home without medals. Most of the participants are not really noticed. Just the few high-profile athletes are watched and interviewed. Those who are contending for a medal get most of the attention. Many of the athletes who participate in the Olympics are just names that are announced and then forgotten by those watching.

Paul uses language in Philippians which could be compared to a race. "Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus," Philippians 3:13-14. But the great thing about this journey, this race we are in, is that we are not unnoticed. And we all get the prize. In Revelation 3:21 the Bible says, "To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne." Everyone is a winner who overcomes. How wonderful that this Christian life is not a competition. It is a journey. And all who are striving forward are winners.

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Skiing

Have you ever noticed how certain people will motivate you to do almost anything? I have always been interested in skiing, but having never gone as a child, I have been too embarressed to try something new like that for fear of hulmiliation. Through the years I have had several invitations to go skiing but I have always turned them down. Inside I wanted to accept these invitations but my pride would rise and I would refuse to go. Even my closest friends have tried to get me to go skiing but I would not go.

Last week my boyfriend invited me to go skiing with him and some friends. And guess what, I actually went! There was just something about him that persuaded me to swallow my pride and go along. It helped that he had only gone skiing once himself so I wasn't as intimidated. We were able to hilmiliate ourselves together. I did not do so great. I couldn't master the art of stopping so I was falling all over the place and am still extremely sore. But I am very glad that I finally went skiing.

Some people are particularly good at motivating us. There are some people in our lives that we really want to please and we really want to do things for.

Is God one of those? Will we do for God what we will not for anyone else? If He asks us to do something will we do it no matter the consequences? Is God a motivation in your life? I was willing to risk embarressment and make myself vulnerable by showing Charlie what a horrible skiier I am...am I willing to risk embarressment and be vulnerable for the Lord? Are you?

The End of an Era

My beloved cat Thumbs has passed away at the ripe old age of 16. He is predeceased by his brother Scamper and survived by many loving family members. Thumbs came in to my life as a small kitten when I was 6 years old. I had always wanted a cat and my grandparents brought back to my brother and I two adorable kittens. I l loved both Thumbs and Scamper but Thumbs had a special place in my heart. I would hold him like a baby and throughout his whole life I was the only one who could hold him like that. Thumbs was very adventurous. He was an indoor cat but would always try to sneak outside. He loved to eat grass and explore anything he could get in. He was always a plumper cat that Scamper but the last year or so he had gotten terribly skinny. I will miss Thumbs. He was the cat of my childhood. He was my friend, a very special cat.

What to say....

I need to write a blog. It has been awhile.

Autumn Leaves

I love the Autumn. I have especially loved being up in the north this year for Autumn. I have loved going for walks in the crisp air. I have loved getting cozy in my bed as the nights have gotten cooler. Autumn brings back memories of raking leaf piles and then leaping and lying in them. It brings memories of buying cider from a road-side stand near where we lived when I was younger. There was Autumn of sorts down in Tennessee but it is just different here in the North. It is longer and more brilliant. I have enjoyed so much gazing out the window of my office at the hillside and observing the changing colors.

However, today as I look out most of the trees are bare. There is a sprinkling of golden leaves but for the most part, the leaves have fallen and Autumn seems to be coming to a close. It is November after all. A few weeks will be Thanksgiving and when I was a child, coming back from my grandma's house in Massachusetts after Thanksgiving I was always excited to come home and put up Christmas decorations. I was ready for the next season! Perhaps because I am older and life is changing as well as the seasons, I can not help but be melancholy as I gaze at the bare trees outside my window.

There is excitement in change. It is exciting to see the brilliant colors. It is exciting to watch the green turn to red, orange, or yellow. But the excitement fades as all the leaves eventually turn to brown. They will fall from the tree and are no more.

Job 14:2 says about man, "He springs up like a flower and withers away; like a fleeting shadow, he does not endure." We can compare our lives to the changing of the leaves. In the grand scheme of time we have just a moment. What will we make of that moment? We grow, mature, and then fade.

Just as I admire the beauty in the leaves, may the Lord look at my life and smile. In Him is meaning and in Him is life. "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full," (John 10:10). Let us be beautiful for Jesus.

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A Grandma's Love; A Savior's Love

A few weekends ago was my grandfather's 90th birthday. Some time ago my grandma was telling me that she wanted to have a party for him. I thought it was a nice idea but I wanted to say, "Are you sure?" My grandpa has dementia and quite honestly, I was sure that he would not even know that it was his birthday. On Sabbath which was his actual birthday, we had potluck after church and when my grandma brought out a cake and started singing, my grandpa just looked ahead blankly then looked surprised when he heard his name. He didn't know it was his birthday. Sunday was his party. We had family members come and a few others. Everyone had a pleasant time but most of the time my grandpa sat quietly. I knew he didn't quite know what was going on. He may not have known who everyone was.

I watched my grandma during this time. She was beaming at my grandpa when she brought him his cake. I watched her touch his shoulder when posing for pictures. I read the card she gave my grandpa. It said "I love you so very much" and was underlined several times. My grandma wanted my grandpa to have a nice birthday so badly. I felt bad because it just could not be the way that my grandma wanted. My grandpa could not give my grandma what she wanted. In their relationship now, I am sure that my grandpa is not able to carry on conversations and give my grandma the support that he used to give her. It is not his fault. It is just the way it is.

I see Jesus in my grandma. I see Him in her unending love for my grandpa though he is not able to return what she gives him. I see Jesus in my grandma's desire for him to be happy. I see Him in her loyalty to my grandpa.

Just like my grandpa can now never give back to my grandma in the way she gives to him, we are not able and never will be able to give back to the Lord for what He has given to us. "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Jesus knew we could not repay Him. He knew there was no way we could ever give back what He deserves to be given. Yet He still loves us, still wants to be with us, and still wants to give us His life. He died for us! What an amazing God!

Goose Sanctuary

Sanctuary can be defined as “a consecrated place,” or “a place of refuge or protection.” I think of a sanctuary of a church. It is to be a special place, a place to draw closer to God. A place of peace. A place for reflection and consecration. I think we should all have a personal sanctuary; a special place to direct the thoughts to the Lord. Whenever I am home and the weather is nice, I have a sanctuary. In the fields surrounding my house I like to wander. These fields are places of peace and tranquility. They are a place to get away. There are no distractions out there other than the workings of nature. To the sound of the breeze, the calls of geese, the chirp of crickets, my thoughts can focus on the Lord.

Tonight I went to the fields just as the sun was setting and the Sabbath hours were descending on the day. In the long shadows of the setting sun I wandered. I prayed for anyone who came to my mind. I prayed for situations I am in. And I was still. I sat down in the grass, surrounded by Queen Anne’s lace and clover. I stared down at the pond that is below the field and watched the geese flock. They are headed away from here as the days are getting cooler. In long V’s many geese flew over. As they did I heard the calls of the geese that were landed at the pond. It was as if they were calling to one another. “We are down here if you want to land. It is safe here.” It was interesting that as the sky darkened, more geese landed at the pond rather than traveling to farther waters. I wonder, if the geese who were landed there already did not call, would the geese in the air know to land there? I cannot get into the mind of a goose but I like to think that those geese that were at the pond first were taking care to let any other goose around know that this pond was safe; that it is a good place to land.

I could not help but think of our lives as Christians. We have found a place, a Person, of safety. We have a refuge in the Lord. All around us are people searching, traveling for safety. Like the geese, if we do not call out, who may not find safety? Who may not find what they are looking for? We may be safe, we may be saved. But who is around us? Will they be saved? Who do we need to be reaching out for, calling out? It was getting dark when I went inside, but the geese were still calling out, seemingly into the darkness. It may seem that we’re calling out into the darkness, “Put your lives in Jesus’ hands! Look what I have found!” But our sight is limited. We cannot always see who is out there; who is struggling along and hearing the call.

I thank the Lord for the geese! I thank the Lord for the lessons all around us that He has given to us. I thank the Lord for His grace and mercy. And I pray that my life will be calling out to all those around me, "Jesus saves! Come to Him!"